August 18th

So, I'm smoking my last cigarette in some time in Lawrence, KS. In a few minutes a compa will pick me up and take me to the airport. Yes, in this similar moment to many others, I feel the need to grasp something, anything, and thus, to write. I cannot think of any image that could go with this text -which, in some way, it's not even a text as all the others I have posted here. Here we are in what it's called "Le marteau d'earwicker et un faux pas", and in my hammeresque essence I couldn't feel any step more false, more stumbling than jumping into the air and get ready to a "career" with books... I don't know why am I writing this here, when this is more like an entry of my diary; perhaps it's the need to talk, to be listened, or just the mirage of making this journey important -instead of only frightening. Perhaps it's that from now on my voice -and writing- is supposed to be on the "right path", the "proper path". Or perhaps it's because, in spite of all the mouvement and moving, I don't feel like a real traveler yet.
Or, last option, it is because, through my verses, my mixtures and laces of lacks-of-meanings, of gaps and of feints, I haven't let myself write once as I speak. And yet, I don't do it now still, since I'm not talking in my mother-tongue, but in what I have come to adopt (and let myself be adopted by it) as my now-a-days language.
Time is coming, time, I feel it, and nothing more than the empty room will give me that back again. Tomorrow, walking through an unknown city, asking for directions, asking for words, I'll perhaps start clinging again, modifying the idea of what up to this day has been my "ideal" place, my "job".
How of an academic am I? How much of a teacher, an instructor, a professor? The only answer that I can grasp right now is how much of a narcissistic ego-maniac I am...
Perhaps I'm longing for this empty room, this white space...and from there I will keep trying to hammer you and anybody that comes to stumble on these lunacies...
And yet, I'm only an entity that likes to read, to write, to see...
(I gotta start thinking how to get my coffee in the mornings...)
Hasta luego.